How to go up in dilator sizes without fear

By Dr. Julia Reeve | Gynaecologist • Psychotherapist • Sexologist

If you're using dilators as part of your vaginismus easing journey, you may be wondering:

“How do I know when it’s time to go up a size — and how can I do it without triggering fear, tension, or pain again?”

This post is for you.

After more than 30 years helping women ease from vaginismus — both in clinical practice and now inside my online program The Vaginismus Zone — I’ve learned that moving up in size is never just physical. It’s about helping the body and mind work together, calmly and safely.

Here’s how to do just that.

1. ******** Master Your Current Dilator First

Before even thinking about trying the next size up, ask yourself:

• Can I insert my current dilator without fear or hesitation?
• Does it glide in smoothly, without the need to brace or push?
• Can I leave it in for several minutes while breathing and relaxing?

If the answer is “not yet,” then give your body more time. Rushing only reinforces fear.

Before moving up, insert your current dilator 2 to 3 times in a row with complete ease. That tells your brain and body: “This is safe. I can do this.”

2. ******** Desensitize with Gentle Touch Before Inserting

This is a step almost everyone skips — but it can be a game-changer for anxiety.

Start by gently tapping the inside of your thighs with the new, larger dilator. Nothing else. Just tap. This lets your nervous system get familiar with the shape and texture of the next size.

Slowly move closer to the outer genitals, still tapping lightly. Then:

• Rest the tip of the larger dilator at the vaginal entrance.
• Don’t insert it yet. Just hold it there.
• Focus on your breath and how it feels.

You’re giving your body the chance to say: “Okay, this is new — but I can handle it.”

3. ******** Try the “Knock and Retreat” Technique

This is a gentle and effective way to begin insertion:

• Insert the larger dilator as far as feels comfortable — even if it’s just a centimeter.
• Then pull it back slightly.
• Repeat this “knock and retreat” motion a few times.

You might see that every time you do this you are able to go just a little further in.

This approach lets your body stay in control. You’re not forcing your way in. You’re inviting your body to relax and respond.

Many women tell me: “The technique isn’t the hardest part. Starting is.”

If your body feels tense before you even begin, read → Why Overcoming Vaginismus Feels Like Jumping Into a Lion’s Den

If you prefer a structured guide on how to insert your very first dilator, read → Inserting your First Dilator Step by Step Guide

4. ******** Use Mindful Distraction: Speak or Count Out Loud

When we feel fear, the “thinking brain” often goes offline and the survival brain takes over.

To keep your prefrontal cortex engaged:

• Count backwards from 100 out loud, slowly and steadily.

- Or speak affirmations like: “I’m doing fine. I’m just exploring. I’m okay.”

Speaking out loud keeps you present, helps override panic responses, and lowers tension.

5. ******** Go Back Before You Go Forward

If the next dilator feels too intense, don’t push through. Instead:

• Go back to your previous size and insert it a few more times.
• Let your body feel competent and relaxed again.
• Then return to the new, larger size — often it feels easier the second time around.

This builds confidence, not trauma.

6. ******** Make It a Ritual, Not a Task

Dilation isn’t something to just tick off your to-do list. It’s an act of care. A moment of connection with your body.

Try:

• Dim lights or soft music.
• A cozy blanket.
• A candle or a soothing scent you love.
• Rewarding yourself afterwards — a warm drink, journaling, a gentle stretch.

These sensory signals help your nervous system associate dilation with calm and safety, rather than pressure or stress.

7. ******** Track Emotional Wins, Not Just Physical Progress

We often get stuck in thinking, “I still can’t insert the next size — I’m failing.”

But real progress often sounds like:

• “I didn’t panic this time.”
• “I was scared but I tried.”
• “I stayed in my body.”

You’re easing a reflex. And every moment of gentleness, curiosity, and courage counts.

Consider starting a Dilator Journal to track your emotional, nervous system, and confidence wins — not just size milestones.

8. ****⏳**** Remember: There’s No Perfect Timeline

Some women move up a size in a few days. Others need several weeks — especially around bigger sizes.

This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

easing vaginismus is like rewiring a protective reflex. And your nervous system will move at the pace of trust — not the pace of a spreadsheet.

Please don’t compare yourself to others.

You are not behind. You’re easing in exactly the way your body needs to.

9. ****‍**** When to Ask for Help

If you feel stuck on a size for weeks and are becoming more anxious rather than more confident, it might be time to get guidance.

Inside The Vaginismus Zone, I offer:

• A complete self-paced online course
• Anonymous chat support with others
• The option to book a private coaching call with me personally

Most women move forward faster and with less fear when they feel seen, safe, and supported.

Final Thoughts: You're Rewriting a Story

Going up in dilator sizes is not just a mechanical task. It’s a deep act of emotional repair.

You’re teaching your body:

“I am safe. I am allowed. I am capable of calm, connected intimacy.”

This is powerful work.

Let it take the time it needs — and please know you are never alone in it.

Each size is just the next small step — and you set the pace for every one.
Warmly,
Dr Julia Reeve

Gynaecologist · Psychotherapist · Sexologist · Author of The Vaginismus Book

Dr Julia Reeve

Gynaecologist, psychotherapist and sexologist based in Amsterdam, with over thirty years working with women experiencing vaginismus. Author of The Vaginismus Book and creator of the TVZ dilator companion app.

This article is for general information and education. It is not a substitute for individual medical advice. If you have persistent pain or distress, please see a qualified healthcare professional.