If you’re here reading this, chances are you’ve felt that something isn’t quite right when it comes to intimacy or inserting anything vaginally — a tampon, a finger, or during intercourse. Maybe you’ve googled phrases like “why does it hurt to have sex?” or “my body won’t let him in.” You might even feel fear or dread before intimacy, even though you want to be close.
Let me say this clearly: you are not alone, and there’s a name for what you may be experiencing — vaginismus.
What is vaginismus?
Vaginismus is a pelvic floor condition where the muscles around the vagina contract or clamp shut involuntarily — often in response to fear, anticipation, or past trauma. This can make any kind of penetration painful, difficult, or outright impossible.
Importantly, vaginismus is not a choice, a flaw, or a reflection of your desire. It’s your body trying to protect you, even when you consciously want to be intimate. This reflex is often misunderstood, even by professionals — which is why so many women go undiagnosed for years.
Common signs you may have vaginismus
Every woman experiences it differently, but these signs are worth paying attention to:
- A feeling of tightness, burning, or pain when trying to insert a tampon, finger, dilator, or during intercourse
- Fear, panic, or a “wall-like” sensation during attempted penetration
- Being told by a doctor that you’re “too tense” or that “nothing is physically wrong”
- Avoidance of gynaecological exams out of anxiety or past difficult experiences
- A sense of disconnect — you want intimacy emotionally, but your body doesn’t allow it
If you’ve experienced any of the above, it’s worth looking into vaginismus as a possibility.
Is it definitely vaginismus?
Before drawing conclusions, it’s also important to rule out other medical causes of painful sex. These might include:
- Vestibulodynia (pain at the entrance of the vagina)
- Vaginal infections (such as thrush or bacterial vaginosis)
- Hormonal changes (especially after childbirth or during menopause)
- Lichen sclerosus or other skin conditions
- Endometriosis or other deep pelvic pain conditions
That’s why I always recommend starting with a gentle, informed medical professional — or, if you’re not ready to speak with someone yet, beginning quietly with trusted information you can read in your own time.
You are not alone — and this is something you can work through
Vaginismus affects millions of women, often silently. Whether you’ve struggled with it for months or years, please know your body can relearn safety. With the right education and gentle, step-by-step practice, intimacy can become comfortable again.
As a gynaecologist, psychotherapist, and sexologist, I’ve spent decades helping women understand their bodies and find a path forward — without shame, without rushing, and without invasive treatments. And I’d like to help you do the same.
Gentle next steps
When you’re ready, two quiet ways to begin
Understanding is the first step. Lasting change comes from gentle, structured practice — at your own pace, in private.
The Vaginismus Book
A gentle, science-based guide to understanding what’s happening and why. “Knowledge removes fear.” Available in English and German.
The TVZ App
Your private, step-by-step dilator companion. Follow a gentle 9-stage protocol, log your practice, and build confidence at your own pace. All data stays on your phone.
You’re already taking the first brave step by seeking answers.
Warmly,
Dr Julia Reeve
Gynaecologist · Psychotherapist · Sexologist · Author of The Vaginismus Book
Dr Julia Reeve
Gynaecologist, psychotherapist and sexologist based in Amsterdam, with over thirty years working with women experiencing vaginismus. Author of The Vaginismus Book and creator of the TVZ dilator companion app.
This article is for general information and education. It is not a substitute for individual medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have persistent pain or distress, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.